The Final Goodbye - Brianna Pighin

10 years passed since I last saw you. I talked to mom, and she urged me to forgive you. Forgive the fatherless childhood I lived in. Forgive the pain you left behind. Forgive you for the painful words you yelled, stamped forever on my body. I start my drive to the beach to see you one more time, and the flashbacks flood my mind. A monsoon flooding my brain, unable to breath. I remember going fishing for the first time, cheering me on as I reeled my first fish to the beach. The sparkle shining in your eyes as you hugged me tight. The time when we would spend countless hours swimming in the pool. Even with the good memories, the bad memories fill the black spaces in between.

Watching you spend countless hours passed out on the couch, yelling at me for not watching my brother when he stuck a key in the socket. I was only 4. Blaming me for drinking all the mink in the fridge as if we couldn't get more from the store. The countless times receiving phone calls from jail asking for money. The memory of mom locking me in the car is engraved in my mind. She kept me safe away from you. Each bang on the window, screaming to unlock the car remains planted. Mom sat on the front porch begging and crying to not unlock the door. She couldn't come closer in fear of being struck again. Tears ran down my face, confused if I should unlock the door; thankfully I didn't. Suddenly a red light appears and a horn honks in the distance. I slam on the brakes. Looking around nervously scared, not knowing if I ran multiple lights while spacing out. 

I remember the tar-like substance found in the kettle on the stove, smelled of hot mold. You were so worried about your next hit you never put your family first. I sigh heavily at the thought. I wish I didn't care half as much as I did. My attention snaps, my heart beats faster, the ocean is finally in view. Turning the corner, I see you remain sitting on the bench, exactly where we last saw each other. 

I ponder how long you were sitting on the bench waiting for me. A stranger looking into the distance, a foreign body waiting at the beach. I sit next to you and stare into your bright blue eyes, the sparkle shines in disbelief that I came. Dad always said he wanted to talk to explain how sorry he was, but I never believed him. I never felt ready to speak to him until now. My therapist asked, "If he died would you regret anything?" Laughing, brushing it off as if I wouldn't care, he remained dead in my mind. I didn't understand what he meant until now. I always imagined screaming at the top of my lungs until all the air was released, but nothing came out. Sitting in silence feeling your embrace, I feel your grainy tan coarse skin touching me with every step I take in the sand. The sweat and salty smell coming from your clothes hides the gas smell coming from the boats. The wind blew rapidly, and I heard a whisper in my ear, "I missed you; I love you."

We walk slowly in silence down the beach. Your hands push my hair to the side with every breeze that passes. Not knowing where to start, I hesitate to tell you that I bought a house and I learned how to replace a toilet. The terrible breakup I went through where I needed your guidance. The dream of having a father figure in my life, who replaces the toilet or scares the away the boy makes my heart race full of anger. With every hopeless thought, I stand up straighter and confident to show I could do it myself. I did it myself. 

As we continue to walk the world stops, time ticks longer; everything freezes. I noticed you walk slower now, and you can't go far. I slow down to let you catch up. There is a log not far from us; we take a break from walking and sit down before you fade away. As I sit, a crab emerges form the sand and sits still, staring into my eyes. Your skin would always get red in the summer because you refused to put sunscreen on. Not only was the crab as red as you, but his hard shell and soft inside resembles you.

Another gush of wind blows drying the tears running down my face. I look up and stare at your bright blue eyes and say, "Dad, I forgive you". The sparkle shines bright with a grin shining from ear to ear. My feet press firmly, digging a hole in the sand questioning what our life could have been. Could we have been closer if I responded to your messages sooner? I look up at the sun getting lost in your bright blue eyes. The sun is shining, you wrap your warm embrace around every inch of my body. A seagull squawks behind me causing me to wake up to reality.

Suddenly the sun starts to set, and your bright blue eyes start to close. The sparkles get duller; I look quickly to my right where you sat, and your presence disappears. The fire that burnt inside me starts to cool down, creating a relief I've never felt before. The world gets a little darker around me, but the fire still leads my way. I cherish every sunset to feel your love hold every inch of my body one last time. I now know you couldn't love me the way you wanted to, I accept it, I understand, and I forgive you. 

I start to walk back to my car, taking each step slower desperately hoping for one last hug. As I drive away, the bad memories fly away while my hair blows in the wind. All that's left is the moments I hold on with you. Wishing for a second chance.